Highlight if you wish to read my depressive blabber yet happy epiphany. Scroll down if not.
I had to write a explicative text in french today and I had chosen the subject suicide. Depressing, yes I know … but the subject interested me.
While I was looking for information and even while I was writing the text itself, I realized a hell of a lot of things. And damn. I was close to the ledge. Reading information on suicide really helped to make realize how foolish my past thoughts were. I was close. Really close. I thought it that death was the only means to escape life and the crap in it. I locked myself in … because no one REALLY wants to talk about it out loud, right?
At least, I can’t.
I was STUPID and I admit it.
I’m not alone.
Right now, I know that clearly.
But then, I didn’t.
I doesn’t please to write about this. I’d prefer not to actually. But I don’t want to forget how close I got to it. If I forget, I might end up back there again and God knows I don’t want to.
Y’see, in suicide, it seems that there a primary factors that can already make a person mentally unstable before ANY thought of suicide. Say, familial problems or rejection. After that, there’s a part called the ‘breakdown’ where something really bad happens. Say a break-up or a close person’s death.
Sometime later, the suicide process starts. I won’t get into the details but it’s broken up into five steps. I had gotten as far as the third.
Luckily for me, I managed to see a second road before it was too late.
I’m NOT going back there.
Goodbye, dark ages. I hope you NEVER come back again.
I didn’t get through this alone.
Sure enough, I hadn’t asked for help nor did I talk to anyone about my problems. Part of me still wanted to live. Part of me wanted to believe in life. I DON’T want to die. No sane human WANTS to die. Not even suicidal people (in their case, it’s just they see no other option …)
Also … when you realize you aren’t alone and that people actually DO care for you … it helps.
At the the end of the first route, I saw an escape but nothing beyond. At the end of the second route, I saw everyone I ever cared for crying at my funeral. I sure as hell never wanted to see that happened before it was the right time.
Hopefully I’ll remember this all happened … or else writing it would’ve been useless.
In other news, the chiikazz got me a fucking tablet for my b-day! -dies of happiness– *shivers* Sorry, I think I’mma stop using the word ‘death’ or any variant or it for a while.
Anyways! I’m damn happy! I still haven’t even installed it ‘cuz I wanted to write this entry first but … FUCK YEAH I GOT A TABLET! -runs around in circles-
I also bought How To Read 13 (Death Note) … so basically all that’s left on my wishlist is Ring Finger novels, Junjo Romantica and FFVII: Crisis Core!
I’ll be posting a Spring Anime Preview after a few more shows get subbed. Raws for Soul Eater, Special A, Nabari no Ou, Kyo Kara Maoh and Vampire Knight are out. Code Geass R2, Kure-Nai and Itazura na Kiss have been subbed and I might preview BLASSREITERS after all. Fanservice shows like To Love-ru and Kanokon are out for me since I rarely enjoy those (I’m a GIRL, after all! XD)
Expect the preview post to be out by the end of the week.