I recently realized how I’m really not giving myself enough time to rest.
Not in the sense of sleep though. Since I think 7-8 hours of sleep is definitely enough. But lately, I’ve felt extremely heavy. In the figurative sense, of course. Plus, having one actual meal a day isn’t really helping me either. As usual, I try to run away from all that wit drama CDs, anime, music and other crap. Sure it helps on the moment. As if Midorin’s and Ishida-sama’s Heart Aid won’t help. But then once the squeeing dies down, I end up feeling like crap. When all fails, I start writing.
I ended up writing a bit of poetry and worked on Dark Crimson for a while then I realized something while writing a chapter’s thumbnail.
My writing ALWAYS has something to do with what’s going in my life at the time I’m writing it. But that I knew. Y’see, most of the time, when I write, I don’t usually realize what event or sentiment the passages refer to. I just write whatever comes to mind. When I re-read it over or think about it after writing, that’s when I realized the meaning to my own writing.
The first time I realized that was when I wrote Far Away Reverie. At the time, I was sort of living in a dream and running away from everything. I still am actually but I’m trying more … -tte, that’s not what I want to talk about.
Anyways, there’s a been a certain something bothering me lately.
I end up thinking about no matter what I do and I’ve come to think that maybe I’m feeling heavy because I haven’t let it out yet. I always let my emotions out through writing. I’m never able to talk about it with others. I’m just not capable. Somehow, these feelings of confusion I have right now all went into Dark Crimson giving it shape. It’s kind of sad how I can only write when I’m in a “not-really-happy” time in my life.
Right now. I ‘m still extremely confused about how I feel. I can’t say much. Because I’m still afraid that putting it into words might make it real. But I’m starting to think that my reactions aren’t very normal. Maybe I’m just over thinking things … but the fact that its still bothering me no matter what I do proves the ‘over-thinking’ thing wrong.
Plus … there was a certain dream. I had two dreams of the same nature. I don’t remember the details of any of them but I the general idea of the dream is disturbing.
The idea of being lez or bi or whatever isn’t really what’s bothering me. I love yaoi. I don’t mind homos. Be it female or male. Everyone has the right to love whoever they wish. That’s a value I’m extremely attached to. But I want to be sure of my case before making myself uselessly believe it.
Honestly though, I have no way of being sure.
Talking about it is out of the question. I’m not afraid of being made fun of. No, no. It’s like I said, I’m just incapable of openly talking about my emotions. You might call me dishonest but it’s how I am. I guess its my worst default.
I often wish I could tell someone how I’m feeling. But I guess I’m just afraid. Of what?
I guess … I’m just afraid that I won’t be listened to seriously.
All this time … I’ve been living as if I don’t have a care in the world. Sort of like Miharu from Nabari. I don’t care. I won’t care. I’ll stay apathetic. I’ll stay indifferent. It’s better this way because nothing will bother you. But that’s impossible. To not care about everything.
Sure, there’s A LOT I don’t care about. But even I have a few things I worry about.
But I never show it.
I don’t even remember when was the last time I let my friends see me cry.
God, am I pathetic.
I need a cookie. Really.
(Hopefully. I’ll get the opportunity to talk about this affair openly one day.)