What to do when you’re so confused you can’t even begin to put it into words?
What to do when you’re thinking so much you can’t bare to think anymore?
What to do when you’re unsure and don’t know who to turn to?
What to do when you’re afraid but don’t want to admit it?
What to do when you’re already pretending to stand strong when really you’re breaking down?
It’s not anything serious. It’s just a little over-dramatized. It all seems like a lie but when I think about it again, everything goes upside down. I’d like to think that I’m just thinking to much of it. I’d like to think that it’s not true. But with noone to ask, it’s hard to be so sure.
Thinking about it without doing anything won’t help me. Writing about it won’t make it go away. Pretending it isn’t there won’t make it any less possible.
But really, that’s all I can do.
Because, what’ll I do if it ends up being true? Sometimes life really is stranger than “fiction”. And “fiction” maybe fiction but … they got somethings right.
For something to be “fake”, something real had to exist before it. And maybe it’s not that it’s rare. Maybe it’s just that no one can openly say it. Maybe no one wants to accept it either.
I don’t want it to be true. I don’t want to be real.
It’s all the same as “I don’t want to lose you” and “I don’t want to be left behind”
I will never openly admit it … for fear that words will make it real. But maybe inside I already accepted it.
I won’t ask for “happiness” because everyone knows “happiness” isn’t really real. It’s just an illusion of how we want and wish to be. A fickle dream that no one ever really reaches. Or at least, I won’t reach it. And still people hope. It’s foolish, isn’t it?
How long already … have I been struggling with myself because of this?
And I still struggle. Because I’m so damn afraid.
[because he’s precious, i don’t do anything
because he’s important, i watch without a word
because i care, i don’t confess …? ]
[I’m satisfied with just this?]
Ne, Usagi? Nowaki? Can I really say I understand how that feels? Can I really say that even though I’m not sure?
Is there anyway I can be sure?
[aitai, aitai, aitai .. ?]
It’s hard isn’t it.
If it’s true.
If it’s true …
“To like someone knowing your feelings will never be requited. To like someone knowing you can never make a move. To like someone knowing that person will one day like someone else …”
It’s really … really hard isn’t it?
When the time comes, would I be able to say something as stupid as “I’m okay with just this”? “As long as that person is happy, I’m okay”?
I’m not so kind of a person. But I know I wouldn’t be able to say or do anything. I’d smile and be glad for that person. Every now and then, I’d ask how their getting along. That person will tell me everything. And I’d listen with bitter interest.
Even then, I’ll probably not say anything.
Maybe I’ve talked too much already. But it’s not enough. Nothing is enough. Because I still don’t know anything. I still don’t know what to think.
“What you would do if you **** for your **** ******?!”
No, .. no … no wait … that’s still not true yet. I might just be acting weird because of that stupid dream.
Writing won’t help. Thinking doesn’t help. Running away doesn’t help. Pretending it’s not there won’t help.
That just leaves me with one option doesn’t it?