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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

It’s freezing!

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Alright, after writing that crappy CLANNAD and Junjo post, I’ve decided to stop reviewing episodes in the constant way. It’s too much for me. I’m going back to my old unstable blogging fashion of randomly blogging episodes of any anime I find interesting. But, for my own pride, I’ll blog Junjo Romantica until the end. There’s only a few episodes left anyway. More rant after the cut,

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A picture completely un-related to the following post.

I hate how sometimes I stop posting for a day because I have nothing to say then BAM! the next day I got a lot to post. I’m going to learn to stop doing this because It annoys me. Yet, here I am with a fourth post in a row today. It’s the last one, I swear. (more…)

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OMFGWTFBBQ?! GUESS WHAT?! It’s summer.

I’m in an extreme ranting mood right now and I don’t wanna take it out on Kira and Flyte so bear with me wordpress. It was fucking hot today. Yesterday, too. The air is so thick I can’t even breathe properly. Thank God its evening now though. I love the night air.

No srsly. It was like … cold for the past week and suddenly this HEAT comes out of NOWHERE. YES, A HIGHER POWER HAS DESCENDED! And has decided to provide us with Summer on a silver platter. Yes, yes, yes … and no. What percentage of your wardrobe is black? Yucchi’s response: 85%, my response: 98%. On the bright side, it’s not a 100%, right? Anyway yeah, I’m going to fucking die if I don’t buy lighter clothes soon.

It was so hot today I couldn’t even bring myself to leave my room. At least it’s cool in my room. The living room’s as humid as hell. Oxygen?! WHAT OXYGEN?! I can’t even breath there. Well, there’s the joys of the basement a computer isn’t available down there.

So, what did do the whole day? Nothing much.

My mom forced me to clean my room … which I did (if you consider shoving all my crap under the bed cleaning, that is) … then I wrote a bit of Dark Crimson. I didn’t get too far with that. It was hard to even think of what I could write without things going indecent. What else do you expect in this heat? I had Flyte say “It’s so hot” without even meaning it. And God does it sound indecent when I think about it. More if I imagine Sakurai say it. I manage to get out okay when its Shimono. Yeah, speaking of Sakupyon ~ I’m glad I took up Druaga again. It’s good to see Sakupyon in a “cool” role for once (since his other roles this season is a certain uke and another certain asshole). Neeba is win. I just need some NeebaxJil fix, but I don’t seem to get any. Plus its hard with Fatina’s obvious infatuation.

-glomps Alto-

While I’m on anime, I’m eagerly awaiting AiA-iZ’s sub of Macross Frontier 10. I want my Alto trap now. I’m seriously fighting the urge to just download gg’s or chihiro’s sub. The wait is even harder when you’ve been listening to the OST for days straight since its release. Tori no Hito’s version of Aimo is absolutely beautiful. Infinity and What ’bout my Star are addictive listens too. I’m talking about Ranka’s version of What ’bout my star, obviously. Nakajima’s english pronunciation isn’t bad really. Big Boys had me go “JACK SPARROW?!” It sounds just like POTC … -runs off to watch the movie again-

-glomps Jack- Yep, I still love him.

Kamiya’s Ibara no Michi is absolutely beautiful. The intro reminded me slightly of something straight out from KH … but yeah. His voice is mesmerizing. I’m about to collapse. And yes I randomly changed the subject because it suddenly started playing iTunes. I NEED translated lyrics of this song, pronto. I only get gists of it and it’s not really helping. Then in the interlude Kamiya mentions BOXING of all things? I need explanations. Please tell me I misunderstood the word.

Okay, my hands are sweating like shit and it’s finally cool enough to get back to writing so I’ll end this post now. Sorry for the lack of sense this post had. -runs off to download Toricon- I’m getting my Yusa and Mamo fix `~ hurray ❤

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2:50PM

Highlight if you wish to read my depressive blabber yet happy epiphany. Scroll down if not.

I had to write a explicative text in french today and I had chosen the subject suicide. Depressing, yes I know … but the subject interested me.

While I was looking for information and even while I was writing the text itself, I realized a hell of a lot of things. And damn. I was close to the ledge. Reading information on suicide really helped to make realize how foolish my past thoughts were. I was close. Really close. I thought it that death was the only means to escape life and the crap in it. I locked myself in … because no one REALLY wants to talk about it out loud, right?

At least, I can’t.

I was STUPID and I admit it.

I’m not alone.

Right now, I know that clearly.

But then, I didn’t.

I doesn’t please to write about this. I’d prefer not to actually. But I don’t want to forget how close I got to it. If I forget, I might end up back there again and God knows I don’t want to.

Y’see, in suicide, it seems that there a primary factors that can already make a person mentally unstable before ANY thought of suicide. Say, familial problems or rejection. After that, there’s a part called the ‘breakdown’ where something really bad happens. Say a break-up or a close person’s death.

Sometime later, the suicide process starts. I won’t get into the details but it’s broken up into five steps. I had gotten as far as the third.

Luckily for me, I managed to see a second road before it was too late.

That said.

I’m NOT going back there.

Goodbye, dark ages. I hope you NEVER come back again.

I didn’t get through this alone.

Sure enough, I hadn’t asked for help nor did I talk to anyone about my problems. Part of me still wanted to live. Part of me wanted to believe in life. I DON’T want to die. No sane human WANTS to die. Not even suicidal people (in their case, it’s just they see no other option …)

Also … when you realize you aren’t alone and that people actually DO care for you … it helps.

At the the end of the first route, I saw an escape but nothing beyond. At the end of the second route, I saw everyone I ever cared for crying at my funeral. I sure as hell never wanted to see that happened before it was the right time.

Y’know.

Hopefully I’ll remember this all happened … or else writing it would’ve been useless.

3:10PM

In other news, the chiikazz got me a fucking tablet for my b-day! -dies of happiness– *shivers* Sorry, I think I’mma stop using the word ‘death’ or any variant or it for a while.

Anyways! I’m damn happy! I still haven’t even installed it ‘cuz I wanted to write this entry first but … FUCK YEAH I GOT A TABLET! -runs around in circles-

I also bought How To Read 13 (Death Note) … so basically all that’s left on my wishlist is Ring Finger novels, Junjo Romantica and FFVII: Crisis Core!

^_^

3:15PM

I’ll be posting a Spring Anime Preview after a few more shows get subbed. Raws for Soul Eater, Special A, Nabari no Ou, Kyo Kara Maoh and Vampire Knight are out. Code Geass R2, Kure-Nai and Itazura na Kiss have been subbed and I might preview BLASSREITERS after all. Fanservice shows like To Love-ru and Kanokon are out for me since I rarely enjoy those (I’m a GIRL, after all! XD)

Expect the preview post to be out by the end of the week.

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It’s my birthday …

*laughs maniacally*

I’m feeling like crap, my head hurts and I feel sick … I have two exams, homework and Dance for tomorrow. I hate science. I hate history. I hate school. I still feel like crap. My fingers hurt but I still want to rant.

Fuck this.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I need a Mello NAO! That or a nice boat … YEAH! You don’t get the fucking metaphor but I. DON’T. GIVE. A. SHIT!

Itoshiki-sensei, the unfairness of the world has left me despair! Is that a rope? Yeah, I’d love to join you. Just wait, I need to figure out who to send my Shigofumi to! Oh don’t worry, it won’t be Marina!

Crap, crap, crap.

Matt, gimme you’re gameboy. No, I don’t need to know the name of all the current known pokemon. What? Haruhi and Honey switched places? Oh how unfortunate? Tamaki’s aiming to be Light-o? WTF?!

Kyouya, stop talking with a tokyo accent.

HOSHI-! I’m fucked.

Yeah, my thought pattern isn’t making any sense anymore.

Time to sleep.

Screw studying. I feel like crap.

Happy B-day to me.

(Despite it all, I’m STILL happy … I think …  euh … give me a cookie?)

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0-0-0

You know it’s really funny how you just don’t notice the things that are right in front of you. Sometimes, you think you’re alone and that no one’s there … but then you take a second look and well … you’re not alone.

How many times have I seen this type of situation in Anime and Manga? So many damn times. And every time the character would always say “I’m such an Idiot, aren’t I?” to which I would reply “Yes you are.”

I’m such a hypocrite.

I know it. I know it!

But knowing doesn’t change a thing.

Even if you know it … … you can’t prevent it after all.

For all I know, I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. No … rephrase, I probably am.

Everyone has their own troubles. Everyone has things they don’t want anyone to know, right? How am I any different? There are probably a lot of people in the world with my problem or a variant of it. So why am I so caught up in my own bubble?

Human nature? No, I’m not conceited enough to use that as Self-justification.

Either way.

Things work out.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes that light is death.

Sometimes is not.

I’m really glad its not.

Because you know … Life may be the more painful thing on earth … but that’s what makes it so beautiful, right? That’s what makes it so worthwhile.

-laughs- I have another meaning to add to my “Roses” quotes

“A wilting rose doesn’t make it any less beautiful.”

Damn, I haven’t been this enthusiastic in ages. Maybe it’s just ‘cuz my birthday is tomorrow. Maybe its ‘cuz everything’s been simply great lately. Maybe it’s ‘cuz I’m finally leaving this dream soon.

I’m still in it. And it hurts.

Hurts damn much.

But I can live through it now.

Because unlike before, I know that this dream will end and I know something is waiting at the other end.

It’s alright for me to be happy right?

I know it won’t last.

Hell, by next week, I’m might be depressed and cynic as ever … but for now … just for a while … let me enjoy the fact that I’m happy.

“Life’s just a rotation between Grief and a momentary glimpse of Happiness”

‘cuz we’re all just looking for that little piece of Happiness …

‘cus we’re all just wishing everything can be O.K

We know it won’t always be ‘all fine and dandy’ but that’s O.K …

As long as I know that I’ve got a place to return to

That’s enough …

Yep, I’m an idiot.  *laughs*

Hopefully this time … my glimpse into Happiness will last a little longer

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… is what I’d be doing if it were summer -dies-

Too bad it ‘s still winter with 20-30cm of snow coming. Boy, do I looooooooove Québec! (sarcasm intended)

I ‘should’ be happier. But ‘should’ is as big a word as ‘if’ … and … I’m not technically in a happy mood right now. Not pissed or depressed either. What’s the word? Oh right, spiteful.

It’s spring break. One short week of sleeping ’til 2 o’ clock in the afternoon … or so it was ‘supposed’ to be until my iPod finally died. I believe I said this in my previous post but whatever.

With my best friend dead, I am in need of a new iPod. So I decided to help my mom at her work for some cash. The money helps, seriously. But, I won’t have the sufficient money I need before the week ends. T_T I’m 100$ short. Basically, the only way I can possibly get it is if my parents decide to pay each 50$. And I have more than enough reasons to make them give in.

1: It’s my birthday in less than a month. (April 3rd!)

2: I’m paying more than half of the original price.

3: I’ve been a good girl (or so I’d like to think)

4: I decided to be considerate of them and canceled my trip to Spain. (I am NOT a considerate person normally)

That said, as long as I can maintain my good image this week, my parents will probably give in to my lures.

Anyways, I’m straying far from what I really wanted to talk to.

When I think of future, I see many. It’s like the different routes in a visual novel or gal-ge and whatnot. The most ‘utopic’ route is the one I know is least likely to happen. The way we are now, there’s no way we are going to talk it through and live happily all 5 (er, 6) of us here in this house.

The route I’m aiming for is one that’ll make everyone happy. It’s realistic and I know I can live through that.

I’m still just a kid, sure. But I’m old enough to know that I won’t always get what I want and that it isn’t alway going to be O.K

We all wish it was easy. But nothing is.

I know that.

So well, it hurts and drives me to tears sometimes.

“If only things didn’t turn out this way” I try my best not to think that. Not to regret. I try to tell myself that since it already happened, I should make the best of it. I won’t pretend I don’t like it. I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurts. I won’t pretend I don’t see the bad side.

But I won’t pretend there isn’t any good in it.

And if, by chance, the route I’m aiming for goes through. I hope everything will turn for the better. I hope.

Because I don’t things to get any worst.

It’s been this way since the beginning. We’ve always had problems. But they were never resolved properly and they just grew to a bigger proportion. It’s so much easier to run away. But running away doesn’t solve anything. It doesn’t help and in the end just makes things worst. But what can I do? The damage has been dealt, and we can’t turn back time now.

All I can do is hope that somewhere at the end of the tunnel there’s a better place.

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